


Swallowed By Pain

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-22
Updated: 2005-01-22
Packaged: 2018-12-27 00:38:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12070191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: The random thoughts going through Brian's head as he watches Justin sleep in his hospital bed, right after being bashed. The song I used in this song fic is called, "45" by Shinedown.





	Swallowed By Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

__**Send away for a priceless gift  
One not subtle, one not on the list  
Send away for a perfect world  
One not simply, so absurd  
In these times of doing what you're told  
You keep these feelings, no one knows  
What ever happened to the young man's heart  
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart**

I can’t do this. I can’t keep standing here, night after night. I can’t continue standing here looking through this stupid glass. This is all my fault. I should have known better. Now the only man I have ever loved may never wake up. If I had just kept my feelings to myself, and told him to fuck off, everything would be okay right now. But everything is so fucking not okay right now. Justin needed me and I let him down. I should have ran faster. I should have got to him in time. 

_**And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,  
Swimming through the ashes of another life  
No real reason to accept the way things have changed  
Staring down the barrel of a 45**_

I can’t understand what happened. I was fine before I met Justin. I was happy fucking a different guy every night. Then I saw this beautiful man standing under a street lamp. I brought him home and taught him all the joys of being a homosexual. It was love at first sight. It was a one night stand that turned into something so much more. For the longest time I couldn’t admit that, but that’s exactly what it was….love at first sight. It’s because of the love in my heart for Justin, that he got hurt. I want him to wake up so badly, I need him to wake up. I need to see his smile. I need to know that he’s alright. I feel so sick. My pain management is out of control. It’s not working like it should. No amount of drugs or alcohol can make me forget. God please, please let me forget. 

_**Send a message to the unborn child  
Keep your eyes open for a while  
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else  
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life,  
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight**_

I can’t look at him anymore. The pain is going to kill me. The guilt is going to smother me. If he dies, he will die never knowing how much I love him. Even if he wakes up I will never let him know. He can’t ever know how I truly feel. If dancing with him at the prom caused this much devastation, I don’t even want to think about what would happen if I voiced my feelings out loud. No I can’t. I have to walk away. He has to get on with his life, and I have to try and get on with mine.

_**What ever happened to the young man's heart  
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart**_

If I truly love Justin, I have to do this. Being with me will only cause more pain and suffering. I hope he knows, deep down inside, that I never meant to hurt him. I pray that he doesn’t hate me. I pray that he wakes up and doesn’t even remember I exist. I don’t want to break his heart the way mine is broken, but if I have to I will. I need him to be safe. I need him to be around for a long time, even if it isn’t with me.

__**Everyone's pointing their fingers  
Always condemning me  
And nobody knows what I believe  
I believe**

I know that after I do this everyone is going to hate me. I know that when I walk away from Justin, no one is going to understand why I’m doing it. As soon as I walk away from this stupid glass I’m going to be completely alone. Nobody knows how much I love him. Nobody knows how much this is killing me. I have to get out of this fucking hospital. If I keep looking at his beautiful face, there is no way I will be able to do this. There is no way I will be able to say goodbye. I love you Justin, I love you.


End file.
